me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
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DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach