Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
You Might Also Like
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.