Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.

Scammers: Hi!

Me: Not like that.

*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*

Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.

When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.

Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!

still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”

Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication

Me: Why am I not surprised

Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication

When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.

We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.

Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life

Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing

“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?

If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA