me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
You Might Also Like
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
The funk soul brother