Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
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Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
This January has 47 Mondays
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what