Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
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Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
I love you to the refrigerator and back
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss: