Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
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It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
same bro
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray