ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
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Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
This hospital has everything
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.