Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

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I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.


Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.


I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.


Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.


[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin


“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”


I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.


My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?


Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.