@GoldenSpirals

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

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@OneFunnyMummy

I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.

@DoubtTommy

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

@TheAlexP

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

@TheCiscoKidder

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

@tiemoose

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

@thepunningman

“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”

@Cornjerker78

I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

@Parkerlawyer

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

@ceejoyner

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.