Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
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Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
sleeping beauty
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?