Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
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Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Very good news from my accountant
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy