Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
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Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water