@noog

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

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@DrDogMD

NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*

@TheCatWhisprer

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

@Robert_Beau

I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.

@AnkCoupleTO

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

@MarfSalvador

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.

@Lisa_Laughs_

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.

@Izianikapani

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?