ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
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Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Saw your ex at the shops
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.