Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
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I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Sharon, call the vet
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike