Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
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What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
X-tra spooky blend
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
BRO LMFAO
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Well, that should do it
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol