ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
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doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.