Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
You Might Also Like
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
every. time.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.