Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
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I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Woke up against my better judgment again
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.