Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
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[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
I think we should hear other voices.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so