me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
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His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
#Caturday
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.