me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
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Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.