Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
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me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”