Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
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Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.