Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
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SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs