Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
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No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
This is a bad sign
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.