ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
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[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef