Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
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I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Yes, this is exactly right
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Air conditioning – not a fan
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano