Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
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Don’t ask me how I know
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
#winning
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.