ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
You Might Also Like
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.