me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
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My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
sir, my pâté if you please
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.