me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
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COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*