Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
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A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
If you had more money you’d be happier.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.