Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
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A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*