Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup

You Might Also Like



Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.


Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.


friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive



Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?


Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?


[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?


I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.


9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later


Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”