ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
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*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”