Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
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Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.