me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
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me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest