me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
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*pronounces bondage like corsage.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Potatoes were such a good idea
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.