Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
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Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.