Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
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her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.