ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
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friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
did it work
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy