Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
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Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus