Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
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What a chick magnet..
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant