Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
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Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Birds & Planes.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?