Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
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College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Most fashion shows these days…
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I beg your pardon?
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
they split up moments later
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican