Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
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If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.