Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
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[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.