Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
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I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Meow
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k