Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
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a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?