Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
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I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
👾👾👾
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?