Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
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Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
adam and eve had first world problems
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Flock of bats
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia