Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
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It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Feels
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing